Data Horror Holoimage Show
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: Data's family in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Something just a little bit insane for Halloween.


the Data Horror Holoimage Show.  
I don't own the Star Trek people. I don't own the RHPS people. I most  
likely don't own anything else that might happen to slip in/be mentioned  
during this fic. But I do own my artistic integrity. So if you want it, act  
now, 'cause it's goin' cheap!  
And yeah, I know this isn't the way the Omicron Theta thing happened, and  
Tasha shouldn't be there and neither should Chekov. I don't really know why  
he's there, but it's my fic and I wanted it this way, so just pretend like  
it did for a little while. And yes, I am aware just how very messed up this  
is.  
The cast:  
Dr. Frank N Furter- Dr. Noonian Soong (A Cybernetacist)  
Brad- Ensign Pavel Chekov (a Starfleet officer)  
Janet- Lieutenant Tasha Yar (another Starfleet officer)  
Columbia- Juliana O'Donnel Soong Tainer (Soon's ex wife)  
Magenta- The Crystaline Entity [we'll call her Chrissy for short] (an  
assistant)  
Riff Raff- Lore (a trouble maker)  
Rocky- Data (Dr. Soong's creation)  
Eddy- B4 [If you don't know who this is, ask someone who's seen Nemesis] (a  
prototype)  
Dr. Scott- Commander Bruce Maddox (a rival cybernetacist)  
Criminologist- Ira Graves (the narrator)  
(As our story opens we see the vast emptiness of space which is slowly  
filled up by a set of lips. Musical cue.)  
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta (Science Fiction, Double Feature)  
Lips: Doctor Daystrom was ill from eating syntho-swill  
But he told us where we stand.  
Robert April was there and damn near everywhere,  
and Pike is living in a tin can.  
Then somthing went wrong planetside Omicron  
All the farmers were in a tight jam.  
Then at a deadly pace they flew through  
Outer space,  
And this is where the colonists ran,  
Down to,  
Omicron Theta,  
Agro planet,  
Doctor S will  
Thoroughly damn it,  
See Noonie work on  
Sentient beings  
Create them to function,  
Ya get my meaning?  
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa  
Down on crazy,  
Omicron Theta  
Doncha know?  
  
Everybody thought Soong was some kind of bafoon  
When he theorized positron brains,  
But he really was hot and he built quite a lot  
Even though some were slightly deranged.  
Juliana said "Soong, you're kind of a goon  
Spending all of your time in the lab."  
But when neurons collide said Noonian to his bride,  
"I'm gonna work on, this ain't just some fad"  
Down on,  
Omicron Theta,  
Agro planet,  
Doctor S will  
Thoroughly damn it,  
See Noonie work on  
Sentient beings  
Create them to function,  
Ya get my meaning?  
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa  
Down on crazy,  
Omicron Theta  
Doncha know?  
I wanna go oh oh  
Down to crazy  
Omicron Theta  
Doncha know?  
Where farmers grow oh oh  
Down on crazy  
Omicron Theta  
Doncha know?  
It's quite a show oh oh  
Down on crazy  
Omicron Theta  
Doncha know?  
(the lips fade back into space and we see the bustling activity of a deep  
space station. It appears to be in a rather bad state. The Romulans have  
just taken over and are systematically chucking the Federation crew out. In  
the melee we see Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar.)  
Yar: Oh Pavel, isn't this completely ridiculous? Didn't the Romulans look  
remarkably stupid with those uniforms? I can't believe a few millenia ago  
they were part of the Vulcan people, and now...now they're a bunch of Space  
Thugs.  
Chekov: Yes Tasha, the Romulans are certainly a pain in the ass.  
Yar: Yes.  
Chekov: Everyone knows it's just sour grapes because Surak's team beat  
theirs at football.  
Yar: Yeah.  
Chekov: Why, the Senate themselves. They couldn't win a football match with  
the Pakleds!  
Yar: No kidding.  
Chekov: Hey Tasha?  
Yar: Yes Pavel?  
Chekov: I've got something to say.  
Yar: Huh?  
Chekov: I really love the....skillful way. You wailed on those Romulans in  
the cargo bay.  
Yar: (proud of herself and a little flustered) Oh, Pavel.  
(musical cue.)  
By Russia, Tasha (Dammit, Janet)  
Chekov: The Romulans heads you did crush-a [Tasha]  
It gave me a really big rush-a [Tasha]  
So please do not give me the brush-a [Tasha]  
I've one thing to say and that's  
By Russia  
Tasha  
You are cool!  
Oh I saw how their faces did flush-a [Tasha]  
When you phasered them all into mush-a [Tasha]  
And I can just feel myself blush-a [Tasha]  
When I say to you that  
By Russia  
Tasha  
You are cool!  
Here's a shuttlecraft we can escape in!  
Can't speak for you, but I know,  
Romulans are nasty with their pris'ners  
Oh, T-A-S-H-A come on let's go!  
  
Yar: Did you see how I made them all grovel! [Pavel]  
When I bashed in their heads with that shoval [Pavel]  
And I bet that it made them see dobble* [Pavel] (*double. creative  
liscence)  
And all I can say is  
Those Roms  
weren't bombs,  
Man they blew.  
Oh Pavel...  
Chekov: Oh Tasha....  
Yar: They'd grovel.  
Chekov: For the love of Russia!  
Yar: Let me fight!  
Chekov: I don't think you're right.  
Yar/Chekov: I will not/ Let us go run off into the night!  
Chekov: Let's just hop in the shuttle and dash-a [Tasha]  
I will pilot and I will not crash-a [Tasha]  
I am scared and please don't at me lash-a [Tasha]  
So please let us go, you know  
By Russia  
Tasha  
let us move!  
By Russia  
Tasha  
Yar: Those Roms  
Ain't bombs  
Chekov: By Russia  
Tasha  
Both: (Tasha finally giving in) Let us move....  
(they get into the shuttle and haul ass outta there. We now cut to some old  
fart sitting at a computer terminal)  
Ira: I would like, if I may. Well, it isn't like you have a choice,  
anyhow....To take you on a strange journey. No no no! Figuratively, boy!  
Figurativey! Sit down! It seemed a fairly ordinary Romulan invasion when  
Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar....well if she sin't a fine  
specimen of womanhood....left Starbase Richard O'Brien that late stardate  
to go warn the Federation of what had happened. It's true that there were  
subspace distortions in the area. Erractic, powerful, dangerous, in the  
sector through which they were travelling. It's true also that the  
instruments on their shuttlecraft were badly in need of some tuning. But,  
they being Starfleet officers, they weren't about turn around and get  
captured by Romulans while fixing it! During their escape....It was an  
escape that they were going to remember....for a very long time.  
(cut to shuttlecraft.)  
Yar: Geez, that's the third spatial anomoly I've registered. Sure does make  
me nervous, what with the subspace activity that's been reported recently.  
Chekov: Yes, time/space is pretty cheap to those distortions!  
(There is a loud WHOOSH. All the power goes out for a second and when it  
comes back on they aren't where they started, and minus subspace radio and  
most of the propulsion.)  
Yar: What was that WHOOSH?  
Chekov: A vormhole. Dammit! I knew I should havde taken that left turn at  
Albequerquie III.  
Yar: Well, what do we do?  
Chekov: My scanners are picking up a planet a fwe parsecs back. Perhaps  
they have a subspace signal we can use.  
(they slowly pilot the shuttle to the planet. Omicron Theta. as they  
approach an air of forboding surrounds them. They land nearby a large  
cybernetics laboratory, that kinda resembles a castle. musical cue.)  
Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's Place (Over at the Frankenstien Place)  
Yar: In the creepy darkness,  
Of all alien lands,  
Pulsing bright,  
There are guiding scans  
No matter if there is snow or sands  
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]  
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]  
There's a blip, a blip,  
That my scans show  
Man this is quite a trip.  
Lore: (looking out one of the windows) The blip it must show ev'ry lifeform  
you are reading  
But does it know? Does it show, that you'll be screaming by this time  
tonight!  
This time tonight!  
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]  
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]  
There's a blip, a blip,  
That my scans show  
Man this is quite a trip.  
(And we're back with Ira Graves to get the scoop on what's going on)  
Ira: It seemed that Fortune had smiled on Pavel and Tasha, and that they  
had found the assistance that their plight required....or had they? Me, I  
don't think so.  
(cut back to Soong's lab. Lore has answered the door.)  
Lore: Yeah? What the hell do you want?  
Chekov: I am Ensgin Chekov and this is my comrade-er, I mean, my fellow  
officer Lieutenant Yar. We were wondering if you had a subspace radio we  
could use?  
Lore: (scowls) You're wearing uniforms.  
Yar: Yes, we're Starfleet.  
Lore: Hm. I think you'd better both come inside.  
(Chekov and Tasha step inside. The place is a little reminiscent of the  
decor if Salvador Dali moved in with Albert Einstein. We can also hear the  
gentle murmer of some kind of fesitve gathering in the background)  
Lore: C'mon. Move it. I don't have all day ya know.  
Yar: Are you having a party?  
Lore: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of Often-Wrong's  
to-dos.  
Yar: Lucky him.  
Chrissy: (floating down the staircase) He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all  
lucky! HAHAHAHA.  
Chekov: Um. Aren't we lucky too?  
Chrissy: If you were lucky would you be here?  
Chekov: Good point.  
(musical cue.)  
Transwarp (Time Warp)  
Lore: It's astounding  
Warp propulsion  
Moving  
Through subspace.  
But listen closely.  
Chrissy: Not for very much longer.  
Lore: You can't hope to  
Keep my pace!  
I remember  
Going to transwarp  
Speeding  
Throughout space  
But then I got stuck here  
Lore and Chrissy: On this stupid planet  
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
(cut to Ira)  
Ira: To hell with this! I'm old. I don't have to do no damn dances!  
(back to Soong's lab, Lore shooting a murderous look off camera)  
Lore: And then throttle the pest! (makes throttling motion)  
(cut back to Ira)  
Ira: You are making me pissed  
(back to Soong's lab)  
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!  
But it's that we're being bossed  
That really drives us insane!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
Chrissy: It's so speedy  
And you're moving so freely  
So fast you can't see me, no not at all.  
Almost another dimension  
A getaway's the intention,  
Somewhere well secluded  
Unseen by all!  
Lore: With just a thumbnail flip  
Chrissy: We're beamed to the transwarp ship!  
Lore: And nothing will ever be the same.  
Chrissy: It's a thrilling sensation!  
Lore: Better than a vacation!  
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
Juliana: Well I was cruisin' through the quad  
just a havin' a think  
When I suddenly saw Lore  
and oh my heart did sink!  
It shook-a me up  
And took me by surprise  
He had hotwired the truck  
A trick of no small size!  
I brought him home  
And then I knew the change  
We couldn't leave this planet!  
Never would again!  
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
(cut to Ira)  
Ira: Not doin' the damn dance!  
(cut back to Soong's)  
ALL: And then we throttle the pest (make throttling gesture)  
(back to Ira)  
Ira: You are making me pissed!  
(back to Soong's)  
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!  
But it's that we're being bossed  
That really drives us insane!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
Let's go to transwarp again!  
(everyone falls over for no real apparent reason and Tasha and Chekov are  
left staring at them a little bit freaked out)  
Yar: Say something!  
Chekov: Say! (everyone looks at him) Did you know transwarp was a Russian  
inwention? (everyone groans)  
Yar: C'mon let's just go.  
Chekov: But we haven't even gotten to use the radio yet!  
Yar: But everyone seems demented here.  
Chekov: It's just a party, Tasha.  
Yar: Well I wanna go!  
Chekov: We can't go anywhere until we find a subspace radio.  
Yar: Then ask that snowflake or someone!  
Chekov: Just a moment, Tasha. We don't want to interfere in their  
celebration.  
Yar: This isn't an Admiral's Banquet, Pavel.  
Chekov: They're probably just aliens with customs no less valid than our  
own. They may do some more folk dancing.  
Yar: Look, this is stupid, I'm tired, and I'm just plain irritated!  
Chekov: I'm here. There is nothing to worry about.  
(A turbolift opens behind them, and out steps Dr. Soong. Use your own  
imagination as to what he's wearing because I don't want to get tomatoes  
thrown at me for blatently putting Noonie in drag, unless you like that  
kind of thing. musical cue.)  
Cybernetacist (Sweet Transvestite)  
Soong: How'd you do I,  
See you've met my  
Obnoxious  
Son named Lore,  
He's just a  
Little brought down because  
When you knocked,  
He thought you were some kind of whore.  
Don't get strung out  
By the way I act,  
Don't you even worry,  
You may not think that I  
Am a very normal guy  
But then you should meet my friend Murray,  
I'm just a  
Cybernetacist  
From Om Theta  
Colony hehe  
Let me show you around  
Maybe play you a sound,  
You look a little bit moody,  
Or if you want something visual  
That's not too abysmal  
We could take in a holodeck movie.  
Chekov: I'm glad you're hear, you know  
We need a radio  
And we're both in a bit of a hurry  
We'll just tell them our ship  
Entered a time rip  
Then we'll be picked up,  
Don't you worry.  
Soong: So you were  
Caught in wormhole?  
Well, wouldn't you know  
But I really wouldn't panic  
We're all bright, have no fright  
It'll all be all right,  
It happens I'm an expert mechanic!  
I'm just a  
Cybernetacist  
From Om Theta  
Colony hehe  
Why don't you stay for the night? [night]  
Most of us don't bite [bite]  
I could show you my favourite obsession  
I've been making a 'droid  
And I'm just overjoyed  
So do I have your attention?  
I'm just a  
Cybernetacist  
From Om Theta  
Colony hehe  
Hit it, hit it!  
I'm just a  
Cybernetacist [cybernetacist]  
From Om Theta  
Colony hehe  
So  
Step into my lab  
See what's on the slab  
I see you quiver with antici-  
Pation  
But that might be just Lore  
Do try to ignore  
He may be a creep  
But he's not dangerous.  
(the turbolift doors close)  
(Lore and Chrissy takcle Chekov and Yar and swipe their uniforms, leaving  
them in Starfleet issue underwear)  
Juliana: Lore. What are you doing?  
Lore: This isn't a Starfleet outpost. I'm offended by the uniforms.  
Juliana: Oh. ok.  
Chekov: (trying to intruduce himself while attempting to keep his uniform  
on) Hello. I am Ensign Pavel Chekov, and this is my fellow officer  
Lieutenant Tasha Yar. And you are...?  
Juliana: You're very lucky to be invited into Noonie's lab. Not many people  
even come into the house! (Juliana wanders off)  
Lore: This way. (shoves Tasha and Chekov into the turbolift)  
Yar: Um. Are you Soong's friends?  
Lore: Often-Wrong doesn't have any friends. Nor do I think he ever will  
have....We are simply his....family. (the lift doors open into Soong's lab)  
Soong: (Addressing an audience of stuffed animals) Tonight! My esteemed  
collegues. You are to witness another breakthrough in positronic research.  
And immortality via my children is to be MINE! I remember discovering the  
secret...that SPARK of sentience in life. It was  
by....accident....(technobable technobable technobable) And this is the  
night my newest android is destined to be born! Throw open the switches on  
the sonic oscillator. And step up the reactor power input  
3...more...points! (Lore runs around doing the grunt work. from the lab  
table, Data sits up and looks around in slight confustion) Yes! YES! (Lore  
is immediately jelous of his new little brother and starts chasing him with  
several varied pointy and blunt objects. musical cue.)  
Sword of Damocles (Sword of Damocles)  
Data: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.  
Oh. What a scene.  
Of feelings I am quite clean.  
And I see the glean  
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.  
I have woken and now I see my brother is filled with some dread  
That I will be favoured and therefore he will be wanting me dead.  
I look high and low  
And am stuck with no place to go  
I will feel the blow  
From Lores hand when he throws some pretty big boulders  
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.  
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.  
Oh. What a scene.  
Of feelings I am quite clean.  
And I see the glean  
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.  
Soong: (stops Lore before he destroys Data.) Well really! That's no way to  
behave on his first day out! But since you're my boy, I'm prepared to  
forgive you. (Lore skulks off and Soong turns his attention to his newest  
creation) Oh, I just love success!  
Lore: Yeah, yeah. A credit to your genius.  
Chrissy: A triumph of technology.  
Juliana: Eh. A little bland isn't he?  
Soong: Bland? BLAND?? Well I think we can do better than that! (hauls Data  
over to meet Chekov and Yar) Well Pavel, Tasha. What do you think of him?  
Yar: He seems nice.  
Soong: He IS nice! He is programmed with the Jimminy Criket ethics  
programme.  
(musical cue.)  
I Can Make You a 'Droid (I Can Make You a Man)  
Soong: An android, weighing one hundred k.g.  
Is a large paperweight,  
And useless you see,  
Except in my place  
With my determined face  
And the sweat from my pores  
As I work for my cause,  
I'll make him intellgent, and keen  
And with sentience, and the possibility to dream,  
He'll be cute, and quite lean  
He'll be a white man  
Oh my,  
But a not-quite man  
He'll need nutrients to function  
Maybe from raw eggs  
Try to build up his intellect, imbibe knowladge by the keg  
Why reproduce like usual  
Once you've met my boys?  
'Cause in just seven months  
I can make you a 'droid  
He'll read Dante, and Shakespeare,  
And Lord Byron, though he's a jerk  
And he don't have to sleep  
He could never cease to work  
And strenulous living he won't have to avoid  
'Cause in just seven months I can make you a 'droid  
(Dr. Soong's joyous proclaimations are cut short by B4 wandering in from  
storage)  
What Ever Happened to Doing Things Right? (What Ever Happened to Saturday  
Night?)  
B4: What ever happened to doing things right?  
When you worked on me and stayed up all night?  
It don't seem the same since sentint's light  
Came into my life  
I thought I was unique!  
You'd sit with me instead of a chick who'd go  
We'd listen to Mozart on subspace radio  
The tools were all hummin'  
You were rarin' to go  
We'd hang in the lab here  
And realy have a good time  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
My head kinda looks like spaghetti inside  
I'm just so sub standard I could have cried.  
I had a cascade failure, you thought I'd died.  
But turns out I was just fritzed and now I am fine  
I get myself back here and come to the lab  
And see some new creation right there on the slab  
He's prolly smarter than me, but looks pretty drab  
I feel pretty bad. Really this is such a crime!  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?  
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.  
(B4 shorts out and dies)  
Soong: Looks like we had ourselves one from the vaults. (Data looks  
confused) Don't be consfused. It was a short circut. He had a lot of  
potential, but no programming.  
(musical cue)  
I Can Make You a 'Droid Reprise (Make You a Man Reprise)  
Soong: But a high IQ and a neural net  
You think he's good now?  
You ain't seen nothing yet  
Makes me wooo. Shake.  
Prob'ly woulda gave Charles Darwin a 'rrhoid.  
'Cause in just seven months  
I can build you a 'droid!  
I don't want a big meany  
Just nice, sweet, and leany  
Yar: I'm a nice guy fan!  
Soong: In just seven months. I can build you a man!  
(Dr. Soong takes Data into a school area to help him pass into sentience  
and explain some basic human stuff)  
(the shot returns to Ira)  
Ira: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is  
simply a figment of the imagination. These people are full of horse hockey!  
This is as real as it gets people! Anyway, back to the story. The sudden  
departure of Soong and his creation into the learning annex had left Chekov  
and Yar feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew as Lore  
started to talk to them and they were shown to their separate rooms.  
(cut to Yar's room)  
Chekov: (slips into the room) Tasha! We have to get out of here!  
Yar: No kidding these people are insane!  
Chekov: Come on. I found a way out (tries to cop a cheap feel. ends up in a  
half nelson and the Chekov wigs falls off to reveal Dr. Soong)  
Yar: (gasp) YOU!  
Soong: Yeah...um...sorry 'bout that. I'm lonely. You know how scientists  
are....  
Yar: OUT!  
Soong: Yeah...I kinda thougts so. Points for effort though, right?  
Yar: OUT OUT OUT!  
Soong: (sneeking out) Yeah...Um...sorry again....  
(cut to the learning annex. Data is studying various screens of  
information. Lore and Chrissy wander in and try to deactivate him. Data  
takes off running full speed, self-preservation modes engaged)  
(cut to Chekov's bedroom)  
Yar: (slipping in) Oh, Pavel! It's so unhealthy here  
Chekov: It's all right. I am here.  
Yar: (cuddles him) Oh, Pavel you're so strong and protective.  
Chekov: (cuddles Yar until he discovers it's not Yar, but Juliana) AGH!  
Juliana: Shh...Sorry. I'm just....Well, you know how it is, living with a  
mad scientist. And you are a cute little guy! (tries to cop a cheap feel)  
Chekov: No!  
Juliana: Oh come on. Isn't it even slightly tempting?  
Chekov: One question.  
Juliana: Hm?  
Chekov: Do you know Jim Kirk?  
Juliana: No.  
Chekov: Then give me some sugar baby!  
(Chekov and Juliana get it on)  
Lore: (appearing on com link) Hey mom. Data's running around the house when  
he shouldn't be. I'm gonna go catch him. (attempts to hide large mallet  
behind his back)  
Juliana: (grumbles) Coming!  
(cut to Yar's room. In the background we can hear Lore yelling and swearing  
while he chases his brother)  
Yar: (becomming increasingly annoyed) Where's Chekov. Where's anyone?  
(wanders out of her room) If only the Romulans hadn't attacked. If only  
that wormhole hadn't opened. If only we were on a starbase, or at least  
with sane persons. (starts to wander around the lab. she finds a com link  
that's been left on and sees Chekov and Juliana making hot jungle love and  
almost vomits. She hears something behind her and sees Data hiding under  
the lab table, there are several tears in his synthoskin) You poor darling.  
Did Lore do this to you? (Data nods) Let me dress your wounds (she picks up  
some of the lab tools and starts to work)  
Ira: (voice over) "Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. vehement or  
excited mental state." It is also a powerful and irrational master.  
Something that Data didn't have to worry about, but Yar did. And from what  
Chrissy and Juliana eagerly viewed on their com link there was little doubt  
that Yar was indeed it's bitch. luck damn android.  
Chrissy and Juliana: (from somwhere else in the house) Tell us about it  
Tasha.  
(music cue.)  
Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me (Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me)  
Yar: I was feeling so scared,  
I would never have dared....  
I've hid from rape gangs since I was four  
Juliana: You mean she...?  
Chissy: sounds like  
Yar: I thought there's no need to let  
Some guy near me, but you bet  
I think you're cute, and I'm wet  
So what I want to know,  
Is will you go?  
I like you here and I want more  
Juliana and Chrissy: More more more.  
Yar: Please put up no resistance,  
I know you'll stay the distance  
I've got a need like pon farr  
I need assistance  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
I wanna be dirty!  
Access, thrill me, fulfill me  
Data, you're so right!  
And we'll see how it goes,  
Well who knows,  
I'll oil you up and rub you down,  
Juliana and Chrissy: down down down  
Yar: And that's just one small fraction  
Of the main attraction  
You need a human hand  
And I need action!  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
I wanna be dirty!  
Access, thrill me, fulfill me  
Data, you're so right!  
Juliana: (mimicking) Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
Chrissy: I wanna be dirty!  
Juliana: Access, thrill me, fulfill me  
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!  
Yar: Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
I wanna be dirty!  
Access, thrill me, fulfill me  
Data, you're so right!  
Data: Have I done it right?  
Chekov: What the--this ain't right!  
Soong: Data? (blanches) What a sight!  
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!  
Lore: Huh? Wha? I'M so right! (insulted by Chrissy's remark)  
Juliana: Oh, my. That's not right....  
Data: Have I done it right?  
Yar: Data, you're so right!  
(after this little escapade Soong enters from the turbolift dragging Lore  
by the ear)  
Soong: I thought I told you to keep an eye on your little brother?  
Lore: I'm not my brother's keeper!  
Chrissy: (on com link) Um, Dr. Soong. The scanner says there's a visitor.  
Looks like Commander Maddox.  
(Chekov wanders in looking disheveled but happy)  
Chekov: Brucie?  
Soong: Then you know this assho--I mean, this Commander?  
Chekov: Yes. We were in the Academy together.  
Soong: So, our meeting was not mere chance. You had an ulterior motive for  
coming here.  
Chekov: What? I told you what happened. With the Romulans and the  
wormhole....  
Soong: Yes, that's what you told me.  
Chekov: But it is the truth!  
Soong: Is it? You know Commander Maddox is in Starfleet.  
Chekov: Yes, of course.  
Soong: Then you must also know he works for your Daystrom Institute  
persuing the field of study known as CYBERNETICS??  
Chekov: I don't know. It's possible.  
Soong: More than possible! You and that Lieutenant were sent on ahead to  
scout out my lab.  
Chekov: This is ridiculous!  
Soong: Is it??  
Chrissy: (on com link) Doctor. the intruder has entered the lab.  
Soong: Then perhaps we should inquire of him IN PERSON. (pushes a button  
and Maddox is beamed in)  
Chekov: Brucie!  
(Data pops up from behind some lab equiptment, as well as Yar. The only  
thing they have on is a sheet wrapped around the two of them)  
Maddox: Lt. Yar!  
Yar: Commander!  
Chekov: Tasha!  
Yar: Pavel!  
Soong: Data!  
Data: (just kind of going along with everyone else's reaction) Doctor  
Soong.  
Maddox: Lt. Yar!  
Yar: Commander!  
Chekov: Tasha!  
Yar: Pavel!  
Soong: Data!  
Data: Dr. Soong.  
Soong: Data! How could you! I mean, with this space tramp!  
Yar: Space tramp! Why I--  
Chrissy: (wandering in and banging a gong) Doctor! Maintenance time!  
Soong: Shall we adjourn to the other room? Under the circumstances, formal  
attire is to be optional!  
(scene change. the maintenance bay. Dr. Soong busilly replaces any damaged  
or worn parts on Data or Lore)  
Soong: So Commander Maddox, what brings you here.  
Maddox: I came to see about the B4  
Chekov: The B4? I've seen it. It was-- (Soong chucks a work tool at  
Chekov's head)  
Soong: How do you know about B4?  
Maddox: I happen to know a great deal of things, you see B4 happens to be  
my project! (Soong shoots Maddox a dirty look. Everyone else just looks  
confused) I knew he was built by a bad crowd. But it was worse than I  
thought. You don't treat them like machines.  
Soong: They aren't machines, but please continue....  
(music cue)  
B4's Circuts (Eddy's Teddy)  
Maddox: From the day B4 crashed  
He was my project  
His systems were hash  
And his brain was fried  
I tried in vain  
Ira: (voice over) Maddox is an insufferable little pain.  
Maddox: Finally I got him back online.  
From the day he was back  
All he wanted  
Was input and know  
and a lot of fact,  
Learning this junk  
Ira: (voice over) really irritated that little punk.  
Maddox: Anyone could tell he wasn't fine.  
Then B4 said  
"My circuts need a check"  
I knew he was a stupid machine  
But I booted him back up  
The stupid little f*ck  
Soong: That was mean!  
Yar: I feel green (doesn't look so good)  
Maddox: Well I did!  
Juliana: Everybody teased him  
But it wasn't hard to please him  
Just give him something shiny  
And he would not be whiney  
Why can't the other two be that way too?  
Maddox: And soon he was drawn  
To my workspace  
And I could work  
On his head in peace (shame on you, shame on you)  
B4: (voice over) Get out of my head!  
Oh hurry or you'll make me dead!  
You musn't carry out your evil deed!  
ALL:Then B4 said  
"My circuts need a check"  
He knew he was a stupid machine  
But he booted him back up  
The stupid little f*ck  
Soong: That was mean!  
Yar: I feel green.  
Maddox: Well I did!  
(Soong, angry at what happened to B4 smack a cupboard and B4 falls out in  
pieces. It's obvious he's been using the extra parts for Lore and Data)  
Lore: You've been filling us with reused substandard parts??  
(Yar rushes over to comfort Data who doesn't really look upset. More  
confused than anything.)  
Soong: Get away from him, you interplanetary hussy! (chases Yar out of the  
room. Lore and Chrissy laugh about it and then follow everyone else out to  
see what's going on. musical cue.)  
Lieutenant Yar (Janet Weiss)  
Soong: You've done this once  
And you've gone to far  
Keep your mitts off him  
Lieutenant Yar!  
I bet you like backseats in cars  
Keep your mitts off him  
Lieutenant Yar!  
He is not a toy  
He is my little boy!  
You're so nice-a  
Like on Risa  
I think you know what I mean.  
You got a block?  
I'll give you a marr  
Keep your mitts off him  
Lieutenant Yar!  
The transducer will seduce ya  
It's something you'll get used to  
Kickin' your ass is gonna be nice!  
Yar: My feet! I can't move my feet!  
Maddox: I can't either!  
Chekov: It's as f we're rooted to the spot!  
Soong: You are! So shut up and let me deal with this before the temporary  
insanity passes.  
Yar: We're screwed.  
Maddox: Obviously, loose legs.  
Yar: Don't make me hurt you, pencil neck!  
Maddox: This sonic transducer. I have no idea what it is.  
Soong: I don't either. But now seems like a good time to find out.  
Yar: (hopeful) You mean it might send us to another planet?  
Soong: Planet Schmanet, hussie!  
Keep you mits off him  
Lieutenant Yar.  
It's gone to far,  
Yes way too far.  
Ira: (voice over) And then she yelled  
Yar: Leave me the hell alone!!  
Soong: You were hot and flustered,  
Did you even use mustard?  
Chekov: You're a moron  
And you don't know what you are doin'  
Doctor Soong  
(Soong zaps Chekov)  
Maddox: You're a moron  
And you don't know what you are doin'  
Doctor Soong  
(Soong zaps Maddox)  
Yar: You're a moron  
(Soong zaps Yar. and then zaps Data too for good measure.)  
Soong: It's not easy being a parent. Even smiling makes my face ache.  
Juliana: (storming in) What do you think you're doing? So they had a good  
time, big deal? I've had enough. You. You're like a sponge, just take take  
take and drain other of their love or forget to programme them with  
emotions! First you throw me over for B4, then you toss him aside like an  
old overcoat to work on Lore, then you ignore him to work on Data, so named  
'cause that's all he's good for. I loved you. DIDJA HEAR ME? I loved you!  
And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell ya what, a big fat nothing!  
(Soong zaps Juliana)  
Chrissy: I grow weary of this world! When can Lore and I have the keys to  
the spaceship?  
Soong: My dear Chrissy, you and Lore are good kids. And I have been known  
to be generous....  
Chrissy: I ask for nothing, doctor.  
Soong: (smiles) Then you shall recieve it in abundance. We must prepare for  
the Floor Show.  
Lore: Why?  
Soong: Have we ever passed a Friday night in this household without a Floor  
Show. Come on.  
(fade out and back to Ira)  
Ira: So by some extraordinary coincidence, fate had decided to make Dr.  
Soong temporarily insane so that the writer would have an easy scapegoat  
for radical character alteration in this last part of the fic. What further  
indignities were they to be subjected to? Please God not a cameo. And what  
of the floor show that had been spoken of? In an empty lab. In the middle  
of the night? What bad revue idea had seized Dr. Soong's crazed  
imagination? What indeed....  
(fade back to the Lab. everyone's setup for the floor show. Again I leave  
the costuming up to the reader since I don't know how some people would  
react to Data in fishnets and a corset. Of course, personally, I'd be more  
concerned about Maddox. ew. musical cue.)  
Get Me Off This World (Rose Tint My World)  
Juliana: It was great when it all began.  
I was a regular Noonie fan  
But it was over when he had the plan  
To start working on an android man.  
Now the only thing that gives me hope,  
Is leaving a certain dope,  
Get me off this world  
Keep me safe from going insane  
Data: I am just seven hours old  
And I am adorable to behold,  
And for some reason yet untold  
Soong thinks my libedo should be controlled.  
And I think that so far  
I like best Tasha Yar  
Get me off this world  
Keep me safe from going insane.  
Chekov: Let me beat feet,  
Help me Starfleet!  
I'll be good  
You'll see  
Take this dream away,  
Can I retreat?  
Or hide under my sheet?  
Something's after me  
Yipe! Here it comes again!  
Yar: I must be desceased  
This is hell increased  
I wish I could be realeased  
But here's reality  
The doctor has gone crazy  
I made an oopsy daisy  
Things are kind of hazy  
Get me out of here!  
Soong: Whatever happened to Doc Flint?  
That scientist, galaxy acclaimed.  
As he calculated pi,  
How I started to cry.  
For I wanted to do just the same,  
Give yourself over to absolute logic  
Be like a Vulcan, you know they're the best  
They are intellegent beyond any measure  
And sensual naughties they engage in, never.  
Can't you just see it?  
Don't think it, be it  
Don't think it, be it  
Maddox: I've got to get out of this place  
Before this mad scientist  
Saps our brains  
I gotta be strong  
And try to hang on  
Or else my mind may well snap  
And my life will be V  
V  
Chekov: Let me beat feet.  
Help me Starfleet.  
Yar: God bless Surak the wise!  
Soong: My my my my my my my my my my my my my my  
I'm a logical Vulcan thing  
I'm a nerd, don't know how to swing,  
I get a thought and my mind goes ping,  
My heart is cold and my blood is green,  
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Pon  
And calculate till the life has gone  
Get me off this world  
Keep me safe from going insane  
ALL: We are logical and Vulcan things  
We are nerds and don't know how to swing  
We get a thought and our minds go ping  
Our hearts are cold and our blood is green  
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Ponn  
And calculate till the life has gone  
Get me off this world  
Keep me safe from going insane.  
(Lore and Chrissy enter, looking like they mean business)  
Lore: Doctor Soong, it's time to meet your doom!  
Your experiments are a failure,  
And you're too damn extreme  
I'm the new commander  
You now are my prisoner,  
And we're getting off this damn rock  
Prepare the transporter beam!  
Soong: Wait! I can explain!  
(musical cue.)  
Screw Them Back Home (I'm Going Home)  
Soong: On the day I went away  
[get lost] Was all they had to say  
[then they tossed] Me off the planet to stay  
[and they lost] Their opportunity for a power play  
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,  
Won my old college bar bets,  
And I realized,  
Screw them back home.  
[Screw them back home]  
Everywhere it's been the same  
[Feeling] Nobody even knows my name  
[Wheeling] free. recognition to gain.  
[Dealing] Chips for sorrow, subroutines for pain.  
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,  
Won my old college bar bets,  
And I realized,  
Screw them back home.  
[Screw them back home]  
Screw them back home.  
Screw them back home!  
Chrissy: How sentimental.  
Lore: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said "we" were hauling  
ass out of here, I referred only to the Crystaline Entity and myself. I'm  
sorry however if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to  
remain here. Your corpse anyway.  
Maddox: Holy crap! Chrissy's a life-force sucker!  
Lore: Yes, commander. A being capable of draining all the life off an  
entire planet.  
Chekov: You mean you're going to kill everyone? Why?  
Maddox: You know Lore and Data are twins. And the laws of television  
dictate that one twin is always just plain EVIL.  
Lore: Exactly, Commander Maddox. And now, Often-Wrong, your time has come.  
Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to oblivion!  
(Soong runs like hell and Chrissy gives chase. Data breaks into a run to  
protect his father. We hear a scuffle off camera and see Data fall over,  
deactivated for the moment. It appears Chrissy has killed Soong. Probably  
Juliana as well, because she's no where to be seen.)  
Chissy: You let me kill them. But I thought you liked them. They liked you.  
Lore: They didn't like me! They NEVER liked ME!  
Maddox: (acting like a jerk, as usual) You did right.  
Lore: A decision had to be made.  
Maddox: You're ok by me. Say, are you going to want to keep Data around, or  
can I take him off your hands for you?  
Lore: I give you your lives, Starfleet scum. Go. Now. The Crystaline Entity  
is going to suck all the life off this planet and if you're still here in  
10 seconds you're going with it. 1...2...  
(Yar, Chekov, and Maddox run like hell to the shuttlecraft and takeoff.  
Once they are safely clear of the planet they all stare out the viewscreen  
dumbfounded. musical cue.)  
Crystal Entities (Super Heroes)  
Chekov: I've done a lot  
God knows I've tried  
To avoid the fate of  
Comrades who've died  
But all I know is  
Down inside I'm chicken.  
Yar: And Crystal Entities  
Come to feast  
To taste the lifeforce  
Of the now desceased,  
And all I know is  
That she will go on feeding.....  
Ira: And crawling through  
The blackness of space  
Some insects  
Called the human race  
Lost in time  
Lost in space  
And meaning  
[Meaning]  
(End credits. musical cue)  
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta Reprise (Science Fiction, Double Feature  
Reprise)  
Science fiction  
Double feature  
Soong has built  
Some android creatures,  
And Lore has vanquished  
This little planet  
And Maddox decides,  
Android? He'll ban it.  
Oh oh oh oh oh  
Down on crazy  
Omicron Theta  
Don't you know?  
I wanna go  
Oh oh oh  
Down to crazy  
Omicron Theta  
Don't you know? 


End file.
